


PESTERLOG DRABBLES by JOJO

by FunkMcLovin



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Hades (Video Game 2018), Homestuck
Genre: Drabbles, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27466348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkMcLovin/pseuds/FunkMcLovin
Summary: I'll be posting my drabbles here from now on. I have many and will work on archiving them, but here are some for now.I would suggest selecting "Chapter Index" and picking a topic that way!
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Eridan Ampora/Dave Strider, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Jade Harley/Dave Strider, Jade Harley/Vriska Serket, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert/Vriska Serket, June Egbert/Vriska Serket, Komaeda Nagito/Togami Byakuya, Sollux Captor/John Egbert
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	1. Moirail Vrisjune PTSD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD, murder. Nothing too bad.


	2. Catboy Dirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is a fucking catboy. No TW.


	3. Dave and Meenah Do Some Slam Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i feel like dave and meenah would get along"
> 
> no TW


	4. Twitter Prompt Nov 9 "Two Characters"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drabbles from THIS twitter thread: [TWITTER LINK](https://twitter.com/FunkMcLovin/status/1325667554128502785?s=20)

The main event: Junerox ANGST

Some HADES Material. Athena and Artemis chat.

DaveJade with a TWIST

DirkJake gender nonsense

Some horrid DR things: Togami x Shinguji and Togami x Komaeda of all things.

EriDave

EriSol. Classic. This one's great.

Jake and Rose discuss things

JuneRoseMary

meow :33

Fef and Jane discuss

June x Nep

More Hades! Some Nyxephone.

Rosemary! Kanaya's drunk this time.

Equius is a horse girl

SolJune

Hades! Zag discusses things with Hypnos


	5. Dirk and Jake go to Coulples' Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on [THIS TWEET](https://twitter.com/hulknaps/status/1326895560251543552)

Thelonious tapped his pen against the pad of paper, his narrow eyes growing narrower under a furrowed brow. He'd been a couple's therapist for about twenty years, his certificates hung proudly behind his desk- Psychology, abnormal psychology, xenopsychology, the works. In all his years, though, Dr. Thelonious Fincher had never dealt with gods.

"He just never listens!" insisted the bespectacled chap sitting on his sofa, adjacent to a spiky-haired fellow, who scoffed.

"I never listen, because you never have anything interesting to say," the sharp-haired man retorted.

When Dr. Fincher got this case, he'd expected to be intimidated. To be awestruck by the very real Dirk and Jake, the Alpha Kids, the famed gods of Earth C. In reality, their problems were alarmingly mundane.

"Gentlemen," Thelonious said slowly. The two gentlemen in question, if one could call them that, took the cue to be quiet. They looked away from each other sheepishly, as though realizing how childish they were being. Thelonious felt a sudden surge of power. He'd just told gods to shut up and they'd listened! He cleared his throat. Power-trip aside, he was here to do a job, and a job he would do.

"Gentlemen," he reiterated more gently. "Last session we discussed speaking over each other. Let's take things one step at a time. Dirk." Thelonious addressed the spiky-haired man with the sharp sunglasses. That is- Sharp in the literal sense, triangular, ending in ostentatious points. In the figurative sense they weren't sharp in the least.

"Yeah," said the man- Dirk, as he was named.

"Let's start with you. Jake, please listen."

"Right-" Dirk looked at Jake, clearing his throat, speaking in a far less snide tone. "What I mean is... It's hard to tell when you're being serious or not, sometimes, Jake. I don't know what you're making fun with and what's serious to you. I... I do care about what you have to say."

"Jake?" Thelonious turned to the bespectacled fellow with the sharp (figuratively) mustache.

"I... I suppose that's true, Dirk, old boy," Jake nodded, equally mellowed. "But I daresay the position of 'not listening to ANYTHING I say' isn't all that sharp, either!"

Dirk nodded. Jake looked away. They had both gone from angry to ashamed- Neither good, but animosity had fizzled out. Thelonious couldn't help but smile.

There were far too many couples who were too far gone for Dr. Fincher's help. The only ones who made it through therapy were the ones who tried, the ones who cared for each other but couldn't manage to disentangle the web of their ego. Couples like Dirk and Jake made Dr. Fincher happy to have taken the profession he had.

"It sounds to me like the issue is communication," the good doctor said. It was obvious to all three of them, but the saying of it made the unspoken spoken. It solidified the feeling. "Jake, you could try to be more clear with what's important to you. Dirk, you could try being a little more considerate."

Jake and Dirk both nodded. They wouldn't look at each other, but just like every session, they held hands tightly, Dirk's soft pale skin mingling with Jake's rough work-worn brown. Dr. Fincher hadn't told them to do that- They held hands on their own. He found it quite endearing.

"Jake, try using clear tone indicators. There's no shame in just... Stating how you feel. Remember we talked about 'I am' statements?"

"I am... I mean I do remember!" Jake said, perking up.

"Would you care to try one now?" Dr. Fincher egged them on. Jake turned to Dirk, making eye contact.

"Dirk-" Jake's voice was somewhat stilted, robotic, the new speech pattern yet unpracticed, but it was willing, too, eager to use this new technique. "I am happy... That you seem willing to listen to me."

"Jake-" Dirk's voice had the same cadence, of someone trying a new speech pattern. He coughed before he continued. "I am... Hopeful that I'll be able to listen to you more. I'm sorry that I haven't been."

Thelonious leaned back, pushing his glasses up his nose. Things felt good now, but he knew by their next session Dirk and Jake would be squabbling just like before. He couldn't help but chuckle. It was such a strange cycle, watching the gods of Earth C go through such rudimentary marital strife. Routine.

"I am nervous..." Jake continued, "That you still might not take me seriously."

"I understand." Dirk said. He rubbed the back of his neck. "To be honest, Jake, I... I just can't get excited about the things you do."

Thelonious perked up. It sounded like it had taken a lot for Dirk to admit that. Jake looked crestfallen.

"Oh..." Jake said softly, looking away briefly. "That makes me- I mean I am sad to hear that."

"What kinds of things does Jake get excited for that you don't, Dirk?"

"Movies," Dirk said quickly, as though he'd been holding it in. "I know you love those movies, Jake, but. I really don't like them."

Jake's eyes looked big behind his glasses, but somehow they looked bigger. Their hands were still clasped.

"But movies are important to me Dirk! I can't just- Just give them up."

"Ah-" Thelonious interjected before Dirk could. "I don't think Dirk said that, Jake. Just that he wasn't interested. Is that accurate?"

"Yes, yeah," Dirk nodded, as though Dr. Fincher had just put something important into words. "Jake, you can watch all the movies you want, you can call June over or Jade or whoever, just. I can't watch the whole Avatar Quintilogy with you."

"You wouldn't ask me to give it up?" Jake asked softly.

"No!" Dirk emphasized. They gazed at each other for a moment.

"Hey, uh-" Dr. Fincher shifted in his seat as Jake and Dirk kissed. Thelonious sighed, head in his hands. There they go again... They always did this. Thelonious coughed loudly and Jake pulled away hurriedly, the two mens' hands on the other's thigh. "Look, I'm glad we got here, guys, but. We talked about this. Please not in my office."

Dirk and Jake, as usual, didn't look sorry in the slightest.

"Sorry Doc!" Jake said, grinning boyishly. Thelonious cringed. He shut his notebook, very happy to see from his wall clock that time had elapsed.

"Welp!" Doctor Fincher said with finality. "That's all, boys. Until next week."

After the duo had left, Thelonious's Secretary, a tealblooded troll named Aymeee entered his office with a cup of coffee.

"Here you go, boss. The horndogs are gone." Aymeee had a cup of her own, sipping it, leaning on the doorframe. "At least those wackadoos will be coming back for a while, huh?"

"Yes," Thelonious said, running a hand through his hair. "They're rather unique."

"Because they're gods?" Aymeee asked, cocking her head. She'd been curious about their sessions, always careful never to pry. Thelonious looked up at her, downing a gulp of the scalding liquid.

"No, no," Dr. Fincher laughed. "Because they're such an odd pair. Usually ego is what's in the way of communication. A lot has to be done to break down people's walls. But those two-" Thelonious looked tired. "They're just... Stupid."

"Stupid?" Aymeee scoffed. Dr. Fincher looked out the window. Outside, Jake and Dirk were making out on the hood of their car. Thelonious shut the blinds.

"For lack of a better term," Dr. Fincher polished off his coff. "They love each other deeply, that's clear to me, but their communication foibles don't come from their respective egos, just... They're both so clueless about the other's feelings it's almost comical. Every session is just trying to get them to spell out their feelings in the simplest possible terms so they can understand each other."

"Then they get all doe-eyed and can't wait until they're out to pound," surmised Aymeee. Dr. Fincher grimaced.

"I could do without that part."

"I heard the mustache guy made out with triangle shades guy's severed head one time." said Aymeee, nodding sagely. Dr. Fincher squinted.

"Uh... Huh?"

"Yeah. For a while. Like a long time."

"Oh."

"Like five minutes, definitely. Wanna see the vid?"

Dr. Fincher folded his hands.

"No thank you."

The silence in the room grew thick; thicker still with the faint impassioned moans of Dirk and Jake's car-hood ministrations.

"I don't know why they do that," said Aymeee with the same detached voice. "They can literally just fly home."


	6. Good Jake Hunting [PREMISE]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I might write this in full later, but for now here's some drabbles.


	7. Jake Drabbles (Now With DirkJake!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wonder why Funk's writing about Jake all of the sudden. 🤔

Jake likes Astrology

Brain Ghost Dirk Advocates Therapy

Jake Weasels out of "Friend Therapy"

Oct 27 "IQ"

<https://twitter.com/FunkMcLovin/status/1321023426446897153?s=20>

Oct 23 "Drinky Bird"

MISC ONES:

BONUS:


	8. Twitter Prompt Nov 14 "Professionalism"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From [THIS TWITTER THREAD](https://twitter.com/FunkMcLovin/status/1327739261945262083)
> 
> "give me 2 characters and a profession and i'll write a drabble about it"

Megido's Funeral Homes

LAWYERLY ACTIONS

Dave and June work at Spades Slick's Sloppy Scrap-Hut

Dirk Therapy


	9. Ron Crocker, OR: Trans Masc Jane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a headcanon for those with huge brains.


	10. Karkat on 13 going on 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat's review of 13 going on 30

SOURCE: <https://twitter.com/spaceraestuck/status/1330001371748327429?s=20>

ARTIST: Raiden / Spaceraestuck


	11. The First Church of Daveism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave accidentally starts a religion

"Peace be with you brother," said Dave Hella.

"And also with you, brother," replied Jeromy D-Stri.

The two Priests of the First Church of Daveism bowed to their congregation. The pews, as usual, were packed with adherents from across Earth C, all wearing the Holy Round Shades.

The congregation sat in their pews, solemnly, the silence so thick, the ticking of the massive, oversized clock behind the pulpit was deafening. Dave Hella stood, withdrawing the holy scripture from the chest sitting at the foot of the pulpit.

"Let us pray," he said softly, adjusting the microphone on the podium. He cleared his throat. The acolytes shut their eyes, ready for the Holy Wisdom to be dispensed by the Righteous First Brother.

"And Hella Jeffery said unto his Sweetest Bro: 'SHIT bro. You SCARED me, dump-ass.' To which Sweet Bro did reply: 'Who were you expecting? The easter bunny?' And as Sweet Bro did speak, the Cool Ranch Doritos, decorated in their nacho cheese, fell asunder onto the floor. Sweet Bro could only look on helplessly as they fell, in a moment that seemed to stretch into infinity. Amen."

"Amen," the flock repeated in unison.

Dave the First Brother shut the book, bowing his head before stepping away. Jeromy D-Stri took his place behind the podium, addressing the congregation.

"Friends," he began, tossing the dyed blonde hair from his shaded eyes. "This parable, as we know, is about the duality of pranks. Lighthearted merriment between bros can oft result in unforseen consequences. From Hella Jeff, we learn to clutch our Cool Ranch Doritos tightly, and from Sweet Bro, we learn to take care not to unduly scare our brethren, even when the pranks are most righteous."

"Preach!" someone shouts from the back.

"Brothers, we must remember. Even if we make mistakes, we must work to repair our misdeeds. Nothing is so egregious as to render us unredeemable- But we must wish to amend our misdeeds. Like the Sweet Bro, if your pranks ever betray your friends... Apologize. Fix the damage. And your Hella Brothers will certainly forgive. Amen."

"Amen," the congregation said solemnly.


	12. VRISJADE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's Vrisjade, aka best ship

May 8 2020

mar 27 2020

jun 28 2020

oct 2 2020

jan 5 2021

<https://twitter.com/imlovedavepeta/status/1346540132329955328?s=20>

Oct 23 2020

Oct 12 2020 "Pet Names"


	13. ROSED MARY (ROSEKAN)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's THEM

Dec 10 2020

Oct 27 2020 "Immarital Bliss"

Oct 4 2020 "Vampirism"

Oct 4 2020 "Marital Ennui"

Oct 12 2020 "Peekid"


	14. FANKIDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drabbles concerning Fankids

Oct 2 2020 Vrissy "Crime Knife"

Oct 2 2020 Davekat "Junior" Vander "Monopoly"

Oct 4 2020 "Aunt Rose"

Oct 4 2020 "Hanging Out"

Oct 12 2020

Oct 12 "Dave and Yiffany Hang Out"


	15. Jade and Roxy Trans Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Detransition Mention

Oct 23 2020

<https://twitter.com/FunkMcLovin/status/1319550809500254210>


	16. "Callie June and Rox are Gay Married"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumping ground for CallieJuneRox


	17. June is Evil, Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't make the rules.


End file.
